Way Less Complicated To Listen

from the desk of Ron Sukenick


Sometimes I learn valuable lessons from unexpected sources. Dr. Robert Rohm's Discovery Report says the starting point of growth is realizing you have not "arrived" and that you can still learn something that will make you a better person. Well, the other day in the Indianapolis Star, I found a comic strip that emphasizes some of the same things I try to teach about personal communication.

In this episode of the "Cathy" cartoon, Cathy and her boyfriend Irving are talking about Christmas cards. Irving suggests saving time and money by eliminating cards this year. Cathy agrees, suggesting they send each friend a nice note saying they're not sending cards to anyone. Then, Cathy suggests, they'll call to make sure the friends weren't insulted by the note. Next, they'll email the friends to make sure they took the call the right way. Finally, they'll invite the friends to an open house to prove they still value them. At this point, Irving gives up. "Fine, send cards to everyone!"

This humorous exchange contains some serious insights into the dangers of communication where good listening hasn't taken place. In Can You Hear Me Now?, I talked about three stages of purposeful listening: committing yourself to "being in the moment" with the other person, asking questions to clarify that person's intention, and restating in your own words to be sure you have it right. In Employee Benefit Advisor Magazine (a friend who works in human resources sends me articles she knows are relevant to my work), Rob Nielson adds that if you truly want to get to the "top of the mountain", you need to take one more listening step, which is to put yourself in the other person's shoes, and listen empathetically. In addition to really hearing and understanding the message, you can then understand the feelings that go with the message.

"Cathy and Irving", I want to say, "Imagine that, through purposeful listening, you've been able to achieve NetBeing. You've built real relationships with friends and colleagues. Even if you decide not to send cards this season, you won't need to send notes, then call to be sure those notes didn't offend anyone, or hold an open house just to be really sure, and on and on. You and your friends understand each other. You listen. You communicate. You 'get the message'."