Take 30, divide by half, add ten, the answer is? Let me ask you one more time. Take 30 divide by half add ten the answer is? Now for those of you who answered twenty-five that’s the correct answer but to a different question. You see if I said take 30 and divide by two that would be fifteen and then if you added ten, the answer would be twenty-five. But if you remember correctly, I suggested that you take 30 and that you divide by half. Half goes into 30, 60 times and when you add 10, the answer is 70.
Our intention is not to present a tricky question; our intention is to make a point.
You see, many of us respond quickly to the questions that we think are being asked. We don’t hear what is said. By doing so, we miss the real question, and the opportunity to respond with understanding and knowledge.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
When Does Failure to Listen Occur?
Failure to listen occurs whenever the receiver “tunes out” the sender of the message before receiving the entire message. One instance is when you disagree with some part of what is being said; you listen to the point of disagreement, and begin formulating your response in your head rather than continuing to listen.
This is the old habit of listening to only what you want to hear and failing to listen to the rest of the message. As a result, the message is misunderstood and not heard.
When we find ourselves not listening to others it’s often a product of being bored, tired, hurried, or a dozen of other reasons that we come up with. Who cares what the reason is? The fact is, we assume we hear. In any event, we are not purposeful in our listening efforts. To become a more purposeful listener, we first commit to listening, assuring that we indeed did hear the words that the person expressed. We then ask questions and put into our own words to clarify that we understand what the other person is saying. The light bulb pretty quickly goes on when we find that we have truly heard and truly do understand another. This kind of listening helps reveal deeper feelings and needs.
This is the old habit of listening to only what you want to hear and failing to listen to the rest of the message. As a result, the message is misunderstood and not heard.
When we find ourselves not listening to others it’s often a product of being bored, tired, hurried, or a dozen of other reasons that we come up with. Who cares what the reason is? The fact is, we assume we hear. In any event, we are not purposeful in our listening efforts. To become a more purposeful listener, we first commit to listening, assuring that we indeed did hear the words that the person expressed. We then ask questions and put into our own words to clarify that we understand what the other person is saying. The light bulb pretty quickly goes on when we find that we have truly heard and truly do understand another. This kind of listening helps reveal deeper feelings and needs.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Commitment Within a Relationship Mindset
For many people, the biggest reward from commitment to the relationship process is that it leads to closer, warmer, and deepened relationships with others.
When you take a pro-active approach to developing relationship with others, others are eager to enter into business and social relationships with you. Now it doesn’t mean that everybody will choose to interact with you. A relationship mindset simply increases the possibility that someone will want to interact with you!
Commitment is the foundation of this strategy. A relationship mindset begins with commitment and ends with commitment. Not only will you build strong relationships in your professional life with this commitment, but within your personal life as well. This strategy and the commitment that you develop, supports the passion behind the relationship process.
The difference between a successful relationship mindset and an unsuccessful relationship mindset is attitude.
When you take a pro-active approach to developing relationship with others, others are eager to enter into business and social relationships with you. Now it doesn’t mean that everybody will choose to interact with you. A relationship mindset simply increases the possibility that someone will want to interact with you!
Commitment is the foundation of this strategy. A relationship mindset begins with commitment and ends with commitment. Not only will you build strong relationships in your professional life with this commitment, but within your personal life as well. This strategy and the commitment that you develop, supports the passion behind the relationship process.
The difference between a successful relationship mindset and an unsuccessful relationship mindset is attitude.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Making the Choice
The process of choosing and deepening relationships is interrelated. At each point in your relationship, you and those to whom you relate may choose either to develop or not to develop your relationships further. How do we make that choice? Of course, there are many ways. One person described her experience as jumping belly first into the water. Jane describes her process. It’s like going into a swimming pool and testing the water first. I gingerly test the water with toes, feet, and then slowly edge into the water. I temper my approach into the water with caution depending on whether it is a warm day in June versus a hot day in July. If the sun is shining or if it is overcast, I approach the water accordingly.
The same is true in relationship. We are continuously feeling our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
I will offer the following five R’s to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourcefulness, and Relationshift. Below is the first of the 5 R's.
Rewardingness
Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The relationship provides joyful experiences. This is the reward itself!
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question “…when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision—the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to.”
Capturing his remark and adding, yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keeps us involved.
The same is true in relationship. We are continuously feeling our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
I will offer the following five R’s to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourcefulness, and Relationshift. Below is the first of the 5 R's.
Rewardingness
Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The relationship provides joyful experiences. This is the reward itself!
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question “…when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision—the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to.”
Capturing his remark and adding, yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keeps us involved.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The desire for success
While the basic desire for success is naturally a part of all of us, what we view as important varies. A broad spectrum exists from improved health and fitness, greater personal development, achievement, travel, fulfilling relationships, a deeper spiritual life, a more harmonious family life, a more exciting social life, more financial freedom, education, personal growth, or more free time.
The desire for success hasn’t changed over time; what’s changed is our perception of the way we get there. We always achieved success through relationship—now we understand that to better help and receive help, we must fundamentally experience this in all aspects of our lives. Therefore, the intention to form solid relationships must be at the forefront of all our interactions.
Many of us know this at a surface level. Bringing this principle to a heightened awareness propels us toward reaching out, tuning into the possibilities, the support, the creativity in relationship all around us.
The driving force of my work is that relationships are primary to everyone’s experience. We are constantly in relationship with our self, with others, and with a greater environment, world, and source. A continuous process of cultivating, attuning and attending to these relationships over a lifetime is part of the human experience we share with one another. Our observation skills, our diagnostic skills, and our remembering what is most important increases the quality of interaction in relationships, and, we would add, increases the quality of life.
The desire for success hasn’t changed over time; what’s changed is our perception of the way we get there. We always achieved success through relationship—now we understand that to better help and receive help, we must fundamentally experience this in all aspects of our lives. Therefore, the intention to form solid relationships must be at the forefront of all our interactions.
Many of us know this at a surface level. Bringing this principle to a heightened awareness propels us toward reaching out, tuning into the possibilities, the support, the creativity in relationship all around us.
The driving force of my work is that relationships are primary to everyone’s experience. We are constantly in relationship with our self, with others, and with a greater environment, world, and source. A continuous process of cultivating, attuning and attending to these relationships over a lifetime is part of the human experience we share with one another. Our observation skills, our diagnostic skills, and our remembering what is most important increases the quality of interaction in relationships, and, we would add, increases the quality of life.
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