Brush Your Behavior WIth Your Other Hand

from the desk of Ron Sukenick


Ever since I learned about BDNF, I've begun brushing my teeth using my left hand.
BDNF, I found out, stands for brain-derived neurotrophic factor. That’s a protein which stimulates the growth of neurons which are linked to long term memory and mood. Until recently, I had no idea that, when we're depressed or stressed-out, our BDNF levels go down. The most interesting part of all this is that anything unexpected, from an unusual smell or taste, to using the "wrong hand", can reactivate the BDNF protein and relieve stress.

As a relationship coach, I find this new information dovetails nicely with what I teach about the Ultimate Discovery System and the Four Main Personality Styles. My whole purpose in studying about the different personality styles was to understand what motivates different people so that I can help them (and, in the process, help myself) move beyond traditional networking to Connection and Relationship.

As I explained in my earlier blog Going Beyond Networking, In Style, we each use all four behavior styles in different settings and different situations. What almost all of us have, though, is one dominant or "fall-back" style of behavior, a way of being that feels most natural and comfortable, and which we tend to try first.

Can you see the parallel between our dominant hand and our dominant behavior style? Just as force of habit has us picking up the toothbrush with our dominant hand, force of habit can keep us locked into one style of behavior. And what I'm concluding is that, just as continually using our dominant hand for routine tasks does nothing to stimulate growth neurons in our brain, continually using our dominant behavior style limits our ability to generate and sustain relationships.

Now that I know the secret to stimulating the production of BDNF lies in change, in varying the way we do everyday tasks, I'm thinking that becoming more aware of how we relate to other people, and then being open to varying our responses, might be the secret of discovering new things - in others and in ourselves.

Yes, I Do Want To Know What My Problem Is!

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

"O" Magazine has a section called "Now What Do I Do?", in which various solutions are offered to ethical and etiquette questions posed by readers. A coaching client sent me a copy of November's "O", which discussed this issue:

What's the perfect answer to the infuriating question "You know what your problem is?"

Three responses were suggested in "O".

First, a simple, "I do, thank you." (This leaves the person with no opening to expound further.)

Second: "Don't tell me, or I'll have no more mystery in my life." (Sarcastic, cute. shuts off further conversation.)

The third answer is not a cutesy or stinging comeback, but a recommendation to the recipient of the criticism, and this is the response most in tune with my thinking as a business relationship coach. "If you have the self-possessed fortitude to listen to the answer without defensiveness, you will most likely learn something about yourself - and about the person who's got you all figured out!"

When others criticize us, it's easy to go on the defensive, which only escalates argument, alienates the other person even more, and turns the relationship worse.

Instead of a flippant or angry retort, try thinking of the admittedly needling question as a clue. The question "Do you know what your problem is?" is in fact, a clue to information. You absolutely need to have this information about that other person, and, even more important, about yourself.

Going on the defensive just drives away truth, and truth is the food of personal and business growth. It's okay to get the truth on the table, keeping in mind that, as relationships go deeper (and that's our goal in this Beyond Networking blog), it won't always be smooth sailing.

And, so here's the challenge I want to pose to you: Next time someone asks The Question (perhaps a business partner, an employee, or even someone with whom you're in a heated discussion), how about taking a deep breath, then calmly responding, "It seems I don't really know what my problem is, and I'd sincerely appreciate your insight. I mean that, so please tell me what's going on and I promise to listen."

Difficult to carry off? You bet. But with that kind of "come-back", everybody ends up winning!

Branding - Being Known For Who You Are

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

I like to use my toaster as a metaphor for a system that can help us go beyond networking to more powerful interactions. The Magic of Six refers to each stage of the process of interacting to launch new connections. "Going beyond" means putting more of yourself into each part of the interaction, working towards collaborative goals rather than merely exchanging help.

After reading an article about branding in the latest issue of Speaker Magazine, I realized that businesspeople who have developed and grown their own brand are at a distinct advantage in each one of the stages of interaction with potential customers. For the article, Tim Hyland interviewed well-known speakers to learn how each had established a special brand.

Kathy Dempsey, whom I mentioned in my last blog post, uses the image of a lizard to teach that we must keep shedding old habits and old ways of thinking, just the way a lizard must shed its skin to stay alive. Dempsey dresses in black and green, and every member of every one of her audiences meets her mascot Lenny the Lizard and takes home a miniature lizard toy. Now, everyone who meets her greets her with, "I'm shedding!", to show they've understood her message and are putting it to use. Jill Konrad, who speaks on Selling To Big Companies, puts the word BIG in very, very big letters on her logo, and uses the BIG theme in all her talks and on all her printed materials.

Now, imagine you're at a networking event, meeting someone for the first time. No sooner do you introduce yourself and say the name of your company, your new acquaintance's face lights up with recognition. He's heard of you and what you do. As you follow up with an email, again your new contact has an "Aha!" moment, because she recognizes your logo.

But your brand is so much more than a mascot, a slogan, or a logo - it's you. By behaving in a consistent way over long periods of time, you're creating a brand that communicates to clients who you are, what you do, and how you can help. When you listen purposefully to the other person, listening three times as much as you speak, you're adding to your "brand" that you're someone who can be relied upon to really care and to give personalized service. Growing your brand can mean growing your relationships, and growing your relationships will mean growing your business.

Shed To Stay Alive

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

Do you know that, if lizards don't grow and shed their skins, they die? It's the same thing with relationships. One of the goals of this Beyond Networking blog is to help people advance beyond traditional networking to Connection, and from there to Relationship. But relationships aren't static. In fact, healthy relationships are constantly shifting and growing, shedding old ways of being relevant and growing into new ways of benefiting each other.

Relationships can survive even when contact between the parties is "shed" and totally ceases for months or even years. Much later, a person from our past can re-enter our business or personal life. That happens when some new reason to be in touch with each other develops, a relevance that simply wasn't there towards the end of the first phase of that relationship..

One of my professional speaking colleagues, Certified Speaking Professional Kathy B. Dempsey, developed her entire brand around the concept "Shed Or You're Dead." The central theme of Kathy's work is that we have to keep growing - physically, mentally, and spiritually. If we can't shed old ideas, old habits, and sometimes old relationships - we "die"

I've been thinking that the motto "Shed Or You're Dead" is so relevant to my work as a business coach and Certified Human Behavior Consultant™. As we move beyond networking to connection and then to relationship, it's important to remember that NetBeing is not a place at which we "arrive", a final destination of going beyond networking, not at all. Relationships ebb and flow, always moving, always changing, and always shedding what isn't working to make room for vibrant growth on the part of everyone in that relationship. .

When There's Not A Lot To Give, Be Sure You Have Plenty To Share

From the desk of Ron Sukenick

It’s holiday time, but, around the workplace these days, it may be hard to tell. Companies are cutting back on everything from decorations to parties and bonuses. Since, as a Certified Human Behavior Consultant™, I teach how important it is to relate to the needs of others, it occurs to me that, this holiday season, to a greater extent than at any other time I can recall, we as business people seem to be concerned with needs rather than with “wants”.

In “Holiday trimming”, Indianapolis Star’s Dana Hunsinger offers tips to employers on how to make this a good workplace holiday for their employees, even while cutting costs. Among Hunsinger’s suggestions is giving workers time off to do charity work, letting them go home early on Friday, or allowing them to wear jeans to work. Especially interesting to me was the idea of giving employees time off to attend a networking event!

The first suggestion listed in the article is, in my view, the most important: Communicate! “Let workers know as soon as possible that they will not be getting that usual year-end bonus so they can budget accordingly.”

I want to take that idea of communicating a few steps further. Precisely because all of us, employers and employees alike, are feeling the pinch, now is the perfect time to recognize what a privilege it is, in this season of mass layoffs, to be able to work, to be healthy enough to work, and to be able to share in the building of a business through good times and bad. Now is a time to really “see” and really “hear’ the people who work alongside us every day and whom we often take for granted. So, rather than giving workers time off to do charity work, I’d advise bosses and employees to work together on a volunteer project, and to attend networking events together.

I’m no financial guru, but I suspect this financial crunch won’t last forever. As a business coach and trainer, I know the opportunity to forge new and closer relationships between owners and employees during these difficult times won’t, either. Our Founding Father Thomas Paine referred to his era as “times that try men’s souls”. I’d like to suggest we use this season to take our personal and professional relationships to the next level, through sharing our appreciation of the least costly, yet the dearest, things in life.

Way Less Complicated To Listen

from the desk of Ron Sukenick


Sometimes I learn valuable lessons from unexpected sources. Dr. Robert Rohm's Discovery Report says the starting point of growth is realizing you have not "arrived" and that you can still learn something that will make you a better person. Well, the other day in the Indianapolis Star, I found a comic strip that emphasizes some of the same things I try to teach about personal communication.

In this episode of the "Cathy" cartoon, Cathy and her boyfriend Irving are talking about Christmas cards. Irving suggests saving time and money by eliminating cards this year. Cathy agrees, suggesting they send each friend a nice note saying they're not sending cards to anyone. Then, Cathy suggests, they'll call to make sure the friends weren't insulted by the note. Next, they'll email the friends to make sure they took the call the right way. Finally, they'll invite the friends to an open house to prove they still value them. At this point, Irving gives up. "Fine, send cards to everyone!"

This humorous exchange contains some serious insights into the dangers of communication where good listening hasn't taken place. In Can You Hear Me Now?, I talked about three stages of purposeful listening: committing yourself to "being in the moment" with the other person, asking questions to clarify that person's intention, and restating in your own words to be sure you have it right. In Employee Benefit Advisor Magazine (a friend who works in human resources sends me articles she knows are relevant to my work), Rob Nielson adds that if you truly want to get to the "top of the mountain", you need to take one more listening step, which is to put yourself in the other person's shoes, and listen empathetically. In addition to really hearing and understanding the message, you can then understand the feelings that go with the message.

"Cathy and Irving", I want to say, "Imagine that, through purposeful listening, you've been able to achieve NetBeing. You've built real relationships with friends and colleagues. Even if you decide not to send cards this season, you won't need to send notes, then call to be sure those notes didn't offend anyone, or hold an open house just to be really sure, and on and on. You and your friends understand each other. You listen. You communicate. You 'get the message'."

It Helps To Know You're A Giraffe

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

Actor Richard Gere understands one important principle of NetBeing: Before you can understand others, you must first understand yourself. While driving to an appointment the other day, I heard on the radio a report about Gere, who was annoyed at what he perceived to be unfair media coverage about him. The veteran performer summed up his opinions in three very terse but telling statements:

I know who I am.
No one else knows who I am.
If I'm a giraffe, and the press says I'm a snake, I'm still a giraffe.

Dr. Robert Rohm (you remember that I studied under him to become a Certified Human Behavior Consultant™) teaches that better relationships come from our becoming more aware. Awareness, in turn, begins with the person we deal with most - ourself!

In my earlier blog, "Going Beyond Networking - In Style!" I explained that, using the DISC behavior model, we can notice four basic behavior patterns people tend to use. Two of those are more outgoing styles, with one being more people-oriented, the second more task-oriented. The remaining two patterns are more reserved, again with one being more people-oriented, the second more task-oriented. Of course, we're a bit more complicated than that, and we don't always follow our basic behavior pattern. But we typically use one style as our "fall-back" mode, our way of reacting that feels most comfortable. The idea behind all of this is that, as you become familiar with the different styles, you can use the model as a tool for communicating with other people in language that makes them most comfortable and most open to developing a relationship with you.

Richard Gere was annoyed because he was feeling misunderstood by the media. Feeling understood and accepted for who we really are is a basic human yearning, and celebrities are no exception. At the same time, I like the self-awareness Gere shows in his remarks. I spend a lot of time helping people go Beyond Networking to connection and then to relationship, but the process really begins with being able to say what Gere said: "I know who I am."

Can You Hear Me Now?

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

I have a theory about failure. Whether we're talking about failure in business or the failure of a relationship, I think it all comes back to someone's failure to listen. In my book The Power is in the Connection, my co-author Jane Surges and I explain that failure to listen occurs whenever the receiver "tunes out" the sender before receiving, and understanding, the entire message. We tend to listen only to what we want to hear, don't we?

Since so much of our success, both in our business lives and in our personal relationships, depends on our listening skills, I teach the importance of listening three times as much as we speak. Purposeful listening means committing yourself to "being in the moment" with that other person. Next, purposeful listening involves asking questions to clarify the intention of the other person. Finally, I advise, to complete the listening "transaction", state in our own words what you think you heard, asking "Is that it?" or "Do I have it right?"

My friend Rhoda Israelov writes a blog about business blogging. Knowing that I teach purposeful listening, she called my attention to a blog post of hers called "Ties That Tell The Truth In Blogging", recalling the old children's game of Telephone. The way we both remember the game, we children would be seated in a row, and the first child would be given a phrase or sentence to whisper to the next child, and so on down the line. The object of the game was for the last child to be able to repeat the message exactly as the first had whispered it. Of course, as Rhoda points out, that almost never happened. By the time the message had traveled down the line, it had become distorted and misunderstood.

When we listen with purpose, making a concerted effort to truly understand what the other person is trying to say to us, and only when we do that, we move Beyond Networking. Listening that way has the power to transform an ordinary conversation into a real connection.

Smart Moves Are Always Timely

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

I like to keep a lot of variety in my reading; you just never know where you'll find a valuable lesson or tidbit of information. I ask my friends to send me articles they read for their own professions, or things they find online that I can use in training people to go beyond traditional networking. One lady who works in the human resources field sent a fascinating article out of Employee Benefit Advisor magazine, written by a George Lane. Lane was talking about our "tenuous economy" and all the significant business risks involved.

Lane pointed out that "reductions in force" (read layoffs) "put many employers in a position from which they will be unable to complete once the economy picks up again." He quoted a Mercer report about managing human capital during slow growth times. The report urges employers (this is one way in which this article is so relevant for my work) to "Communicate frequently and honestly to employees…to counter de-motivating messages." The report praised executives at the European company LaFarge, who, in the face of a corporate initiative to reduce overall costs by 340 million euros, decided to increase their investment in employee education. Another company, Dimension Date, used a series of conference calls and Webcasts to communicate their "Think Wellness" program to employees.

Here's what was so important to me about what these two companies did. They didn't just start doing these things when the economy turned south, and they didn't stop doing them using the downturn as an excuse. "Communicating often and retaining key talent are things that successful companies should be doing all the time", explains Gorge Lane.

That is precisely what I've been teaching and preaching about business connections.
From my own observations, as I explain in The Power Is In The Connection, my theory is that if you keep interacting with someone, and only if you keep doing it (I advise at least six times), you'll keep open the chance of building an incredible relationship. No matter what the economy is doing, no matter how you think your business is doing at any one point in time, staying in touch and making connections are smart moves.

The R.O.I. Of Relationships

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

It's interesting what happens sometimes when I'm talking to a group about networking and about setting in place a system for building relationships with other people. Someone in the audience will approach me after the talk, or perhaps send me an email, explaining that, while they "get" my message, they simply don't have time in their schedule for deeper relationships in business. They have to keep up their sales quotas, they say, and work on their proposals and projects, handle oceans of email, meet with their accountants, and do whatever else it is they have to do.

So, when they attend a networking event, their goal is to gain exposure to as many different businesspeople as possible, and then, quickly as they can, figure out the one or two people that are in a position to do business with them now. They like the idea of "speed networking", and the speedier, the better as far as they're concerned. Long-term interactions with businesspeople with whom they can form a relationship, they're afraid, constitute a luxury they can ill afford.

Sometimes those same people talk to me about the problems in our economy. In addition to all their normal business challenges, they complain, they have to keep moving quickly (even if that means having shallower relationships, some add) if they're to survive the credit crunch, downsizing, and everything else going on.

When I hear statements such as these from members of my audience, I don't get defensive or angry. As many years as I've devoted to teaching and coaching about networking, it took me years to realize and accept the simple fact that we can help and be helped only when we invest the time to know more about other business people on a deeper level. I use that word "invest" on purpose, because that's exactly what it is, an investment. We make that investment of time, effort, purposeful listening, and helping for a reason. Just as with any financial investment or real estate investment, we do it in order to increase our ROI, our return on investment.

When people finally do "get my message", they realize that taking time to interact at least six times from the time they first meet a new business contact isn't detracting from their business, it is what will build their business! Make no mistake - going beyond just attending networking meetings to creating connections and cultivating relationships is not only personally rewarding - it's very, very good business!

Warming Up To NetBeing

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

When I first learned about the Ultimate Discovery System, it helped pull together everything I'd observed from three decades of watching and working with people. I carried this even further and studied under Dr. Robert Rohm to become a Certified Human Behavior Consultant™, learning in depth about the Four Main Personality Types. Of course, anything that helps you discover more about your own personality style and about the personality styles of other people, is likely to help create deeper connections to them. One of the really important things I've learned over the years is that the deeper the relationships you can create, the closer you can come to moving beyond networking to NetBeing. Then, I found, the more NetBeing is going on in your life, the closer you come to success and to fulfilling your dreams, no matter what form those dreams take for you.

Since I'm intensely interested in the process of building relationships, I'm always on the alert for articles or TV programs on that subject. Last week the Indianapolis Star had a feature story called "Physical Factors May Affect Emotions". This little story was so relevant to the work I do, I had to follow up on it. I did some "Googling" to track down information about the Yale University study on human behavior mentioned in the Star.

The authors of the study, Lawrence Williams and John Bargh, are interested in how physical warmth affects behavior. This is not a new concept, because psychologists have known for a long time that warm physical contact with caregivers during infancy promotes healthy relationships in adulthood. In this recent study, subjects that held cups of hot coffee in their hands for as little as 25 seconds "warmed up" to perfect strangers, while others who were given cups of iced coffee, were less willing to have conversations with strangers. (Isn't that just absolutely fascinating?)

It occurs to me that what I was getting at in my early blog "More Interactions To Start Relationships" is that, in going beyond networking to relationships, we need to turn each part of the networking process into an interaction. I think you'll agree that means being warmer and more personalized in the way we relate to other people.

Remember that Dee Edwards song, "Say it again, with feeling!" Maybe we need to "Interact again, with warmth!"

A Toaster's No Slot Machine

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

You've heard me talk about my toaster. I use toasters as a metaphor for business systems that savvy networkers put into place. I explain how, once I've set my toaster dial to "Dark" or "Medium", inserted my bagel or my slice of bread and pushed down the lever, I can let the toaster do its job. Meanwhile, I can go get my juice out of the refrigerator or put the finishing touches on my blog. I don't need to watch the toaster, or keep track of it, or "follow up" with it. The toaster will do what toasters do, and, soon enough, I'll hear the little "ping" that tells me my toast is ready.

"Sure, sure, Ron ", some complain. "You make it sound so simple. How come my phone's not ringing off the hook with referrals? How come I'm not getting dozens of good leads out of every networking meeting I attend? How come I try so hard but don't see immediate results?" Remarks like these are a clue. I've been talking about toasters, but the problem is, these people have toasters confused with slot machines.

See, when you're in the mood for a little bag of Cheez-its or some pretzels, you walk over to the vending machine, put your coins in the slot, and press the B-19 or the A-24 button. You certainly have every right to expect that little bag of Cheez-its or pretzels to come falling down to the opening. It's a simple tit-for-tat proposition. So my theory is, that's why some business people imagine that every time they show up for a networking meeting, they'll be rewarded with, at minimum, a couple of leads. And every time they do a favor for someone, they expect to receive, in short order, a favor in return. (After all, "What goes around comes around." - doesn't it?).

But slot machines aren't good metaphors for effective networking systems, because business is about people, and people don't do well with tit-for-tat propositions. When we use the Ultimate Discovery System to understand the four basic personality styles, when we practice focused, productive listening, when we use the Magic of Six to start relationships (see my earlier blog "Interactions That Start Relationship"), we're setting up our toaster. We've shopped for just the right kind of bread. We've made a decision about whether our toast should be well done or just brown around the edges. We've set out a plate and utensils, and perhaps the cream cheese, peanut butter, or margarine. We've put up the coffee. In other words, for each piece of ready-to-eat toast that pops out of our toaster, we've devoted a lot of preparation and thought.

Remember those old song lyrics, "I beg your pardon - I Never Promised You A Rose Garden"? What I'm attempting to convey to people who want to take their networking to the next level is this: I never promised you a slot machine! Sharpen up your seeing. Deepen your understanding. Shape up your productive listening. Give the right referrals in the right way. Help everywhere you can. Learn all you can from everyone you can.

Once you've done those things, you can go get your juice from the refrigerator or finish up your blog, because your toaster's gonna do what a toaster's gotta do - as sure as my name's Ron Sukenick!

More Interactions To Start Relationships

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

Networking is a process that uses the Magic of Six. Before we can go beyond networking, we need to learn how to turn each part of the process into an interaction, by adding the crucial extra touches that have the power to propel networkers "into the beyond".

In my earlier blog post I talked about meeting someone for the first time, and turning that meeting into an interaction through focused, other-directed listening, using the three magic words "Tell Me More!".

Then, for the followup e-mail, I talked about creating interaction through sharing a special news item or piece of information relating specifically to the contact's work or personal life. As part of arranging a meeting, I suggested interaction through formulating a specific idea you think can benefit you both and conveying your excitement about that in the e-mail.

Now it becomes time for the actual meeting with the person. And it's exactly at this point in the process that you and your new networking "buddy" come to the proverbial "fork in the road". You might lapse into traditional networking mode. In that mode, each of you understands that you're coming together to achieve your individual goals. Each of you offers leads, perhaps even referrals to the other. Each gains more information about the other's target market and way of operating, but when all is said and done, no real connection has been created.

Alternately, you can choose to move beyond networking into NetBeing. This is where you truly begin to interact, as you and your new business friend discover and reach towards collaborative goals, goals that you both understand could not possibly be achieved by either without the other. You will then have gone beyond networking to create a synergy where the result is more than the sum of the parts.

In traditional networking you would typically thank your new networking friend for taking the time to meet with you. The last part of the networking process consists of staying in touch. Let's talk about saying thank you and about staying in touch. First of all, with today's technology, there are more ways to stay in touch than ever before - we've got online thank you notes, videos on our websites, fax machines, cell phones, text messaging, and chat rooms, any or all of which could be used to say thank you and stay in touch.

Now, going beyond networking doesn't mean ignoring all the wonderful technology at our disposal. What it does mean is finding a way, in every communication, to go deeper, to be more personalized, to create interaction.. Nowadays we have powerful binoculars that help us see so much more, powerful amplifiers to help us hear from further away, but it's still up to us to notice, and to give importance to the precious things we're seeing and hearing from other human beings.


Turning the process of traditional Networking into The Magic of Six Interactions means - getting personal!

Interactions That Start Relationships

from the desk of Ron Sukenick

Before we can go beyond networking, we need to set in place a process for getting to Connection. We can turn each part of that process into an interaction by adding those crucial extra touches that help take matters "into the beyond".

The process begins when we meet someone for the first time. Say you attended
a networking event. In order to go beyond traditional networking, so that you can develop connections rather than just leads, remember to listen three times as much as you speak. In your conversation with your new acquaintance, use the three magic Beyond Networking words, "Tell Me More!". Do you really want to go beyond traditional networking, turning that first meeting into a first real interaction? As you're preparing to leave the event, make one last round to say goodbye to that person you met for the first time.

Many networkers follow up an initial meeting with an e-mail saying how much they enjoyed the encounter and how much they're looking forward to meeting that contact again soon. If you want to go beyond those traditional statements in your e-mail, turning it into an interaction, specifically mention some news item or piece of information that relates your new contact's work or personal life. "Tom, since you shared with me how much you like sushi, you might want to catch the next meeting of Confluence, which is next Tuesday at a sushi restaurant." "Susie, I've been thinking about what you said about employee absenteeism. When we see each other next time, I'll tell you how I was able to put that tip to use right away in my office." Your e-mail could provide a lead, a suggestion, some information, anything that shows you thought your conversation with him/her was memorable.

Recalling your conversation with your new contact, if you think a project or a partnership with your new acquaintance could be put into place, you can suggest that the two of you get together. If you want to go even further beyond that and create an interaction, you might explain that you've been thinking about the conversation the two of you had. Mention that you're actually working on an idea that you think can benefit you both, and you're excited to share it and get feedback. Remember, in "the beyond", you're trying to accomplish much, more than just leads. You're going for the Connection!

In coming blog posts, we'll talk more about building a system for making connections happen, but for now, keep this in mind: Whenever you follow a system for turning contacts into connections, focusing on going Beyond Networking to true interactions, the good things that start happening can be almost beyond belief!