It’s About Knowing People

What I’ve grown to realize and accept over the years is this one simple fact. The more we know about people, the more likely we can help. But the real question is this: What does it take to know people? How about this for an answer: What I’ve learned from years of interaction and observation, is that it takes approximately 2000 hours to get to know anyone. To put this into perspective, let me illustrate it this way. Working 40 hours a week for 50 weeks, would be 2000 hours. Now the question, how likely is it that you will be able to devote 2000 hours in any given year to getting to know someone? In my opinion it is not likely, but should this be a goal of ours? In my world, while the number of 2000 certainly reflects one’s commitment to building the relationship, and I suggest that you start on this road, it’s also important that each and every one of us take the time to pause, and to pace ourselves on how we build our relationships.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever been to a networking event where you stumbled successfully upon an individual and before you can introduce yourself, they take the lead and start telling you everything you can imagine about them self?

Now picture this. They’re doing all the talking, and you can’t seem to get a word in edge wise. After approximately five minutes, they say “It was a pleasure meeting you,” and then they leave to go find someone else to talk to. You meet them, you have no chance to tell them about yourself, they did all the talking, and then they tell you it was a pleasure meeting you and they leave.

Most people I speak with have the impression that they really didn’t get anything from the exchange because they really have no understanding of who you are. But I want to challenge your thinking just a bit, and ask you to remove yourself from the equation to understand the real power of what just took place.

What might the person have gotten from the exchange? The answer is a joyful experience of them self. It’s that simple. You provided a forum for them to feel good about them self. In my opinion, it doesn’t get any better than that. If you can get out in the community and provide joyful experiences for others by listening to their story, their entire story, and their entire story first, then you’ll find yourself on the path of heightened friendships and deepened relationships with others.

Are you hearing what I just said?

Take 30, divide by half, add ten, the answer is? Let me ask you one more time. Take 30 divide by half add ten the answer is? Now for those of you who answered twenty-five that’s the correct answer but to a different question. You see if I said take 30 and divide by two that would be fifteen and then if you added ten, the answer would be twenty-five. But if you remember correctly, I suggested that you take 30 and that you divide by half. Half goes into 30, 60 times and when you add 10, the answer is 70.

Our intention is not to present a tricky question; our intention is to make a point.
You see, many of us respond quickly to the questions that we think are being asked. We don’t hear what is said. By doing so, we miss the real question, and the opportunity to respond with understanding and knowledge.

When we find ourselves not listening to others it’s often a product of being bored, tired, hurried, or a dozen of other reasons that we come up with. Who cares what the reason is? The fact is, we assume we hear. In any event, we are not purposeful in our listening efforts. To become a more purposeful listener, we first commit to listening, assuring that we indeed did hear the words that the person expressed. We then ask questions and put into our own words to clarify that we understand what the other person is saying. The light bulb pretty quickly goes on when we find that we have truly heard and truly do understand another. This kind of listening helps reveal deeper feelings and needs.

Providing a joyful experience to others

In my first book, "Networking Your Way to Success", I addressed nine networking strategies. One of those strategies was act like a host, never a guest. Let’s expand on that strategy and explore the real power of providing a joyful experience to others.

The word Joy comes from the Latin word gaudium, meaning “pleasure, gladness and happiness.” Its inherent nature is one of sudden surprise. Joy also shows many sides and arises as a result of both internal and external stimuli. Joy is both a physical sensation and an emotional feeling. When we experience Joy, we feel complete and whole in the moment. When we experience joyfulness, we are satisfied and pleased with things as they are. And last but not least, Joy deepens our relationship with individuals, with our work and with our community.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever been to a networking event where you stumbled successfully upon an individual and before you can introduce yourself, they take the lead and start telling you everything you can imagine about them self?

Now picture this. They’re doing all the talking, and you can’t seem to get a word in edge wise. After approximately five minutes, they say “It was a pleasure meeting you,” and then they leave to go find someone else to talk to. You meet them, you have no chance to tell them about yourself, they did all the talking, and then they tell you it was a pleasure meeting you and they leave.

Most people I speak with have the impression that they really didn’t get anything from the exchange because they really have no understanding of who you are. But I want to challenge your thinking just a bit, and ask you to remove yourself from the equation to understand the real power of what just took place.

What might the person have gotten from the exchange? The answer is a joyful experience of them self. It’s that simple. You provided a forum for them to feel good about them self. In my opinion, it doesn’t get any better than that. If you can get out in the community and provide joyful experiences for others by listening to their story, their entire story, and their entire story first, then you’ll find yourself on the path of heightened friendships and deepened relationships with others.

Develop a Relationship Mindset

"The most important single discovery of this generation is that we change our
conditions by changing our attitude of mind".
William James

A turning point in developing my relationship mindset occurred about thirty years ago. I was on a plane from L.A to N.Y. to visit my parents. It was one of those midnight specials. The plane wasn’t as full as I am sure the airline wished it would have been, and the opportunity to stretch out across the entire row of seats made itself available.

What happened next I believe literally changed my life, or, at least my attitude about life and the power behind developing a relationship building mindset.

On awakening after a few undisturbed hours of restful sleep, I felt something at my head. Grabbing to feel what it was, I picked up this 5x7 black-covered book titled The Master Key System by Charles Haanel. For whatever reason, somebody either accidentally dropped it at my head, or possibly placed it there for me to enjoy for the rest of my life.

Let’s take a moment to examine some of Charles Haanel’s ideas. The book points out that much gathers more is true on every plane of existence, and that loss leading to greater loss is equally true. Our minds are creative, and conditions, environment and all experiences in life are the result of our habitual or predominant mental attitude.

Our attitude of mind depends upon what we think. Therefore, the secret of all power, all achievement, and all possibility depends upon our thinking.

This is true because we must “BE” before we can “DO,” and we can “DO” only to the extent which we “ARE,” and what we “ARE” depends upon what we think.

Our attitude of mind toward life pretty much determines the experiences with which we are to meet. If we expect nothing, we shall have nothing; if we expect much, we shall receive the greater portion.

The important aspect of this strategy is recognizing how our thoughts are getting in the way, and focusing on relationship connecting, rather than spending our energy on negative thoughts about the relationship or the individual, or what is not working. We are able to focus on gathering more.

13 ways to help you create impact at the point of interaction

1.Contribute – Always share ideas, information and your resources with others.



2.Make it a small world – Everyone you meet has something in common with you. Your job is to find out what that is. In helping you to make it a small world, always mention the names of people, places and things. You’ll be amazed on how people will respond when they find that you have experienced something or know someone in common.



3.Take interest in others – By investing a little time in research prior to your following up on a contact you made, you’d be amazed at the impact upon your follow-up phone call. Go to any of your favorite search engines and be amazed at what might come up for you to read. Once found, mention to the person you're following up with what you found as you were surfing the net. They will love that you took the time to learn more about who they are. In exchange, they will be more open to learning more about who you are.



4.Link one relationship to another – The power has been and always will be in making the connection for others. Do what you can to link one relationship to another.



5.Shorten learning curves – Learn to provide information to someone in need at that very moment that request is made.



6.Listen three times as much – When you speak, you learn what you know. When you listen, you learn what they know. Need I say anything more?



7.Look & comment about their business card – Quite often people exchange business cards and without even looking at it. Consider looking at it and commenting on something you see on the card. The person in front of you will love the attention.



8.Be passionate about your work – Having a passion for the work that you do is contagious. Learn to express yourself as though your life relied on it.



9.Find your reason for being – If you're going to go about building relationships with others, it’s important that you self reflect and strengthen the relationship with yourself. Find your reason for being.



10.Connect their goals to people you know – Another form of linking relationships to one another. Once you determine what they're looking to accomplish, simply make the connection with others that you know that might be able to move what their wanting to accomplish forward. Think of this as an act of kindness.



11.Connect the dots – Connecting the dots is your ability to recall information that helps to clarify one’s intention for moving forward.



12.Take the moment and dance with it – Being in the present will always create impact when being with others. Make every effort to be with the person in front of you. Eliminate any possible thoughts going through your mind that is not directly related to the conversation and person your with.



13.Follow-up – Know that just being there is not enough. You must have a solid system for creating a persistent presence. This is where most people fall down. They meet people and do nothing with the information. You must follow-up and do so within 48 hours or less. With you being one of the only people following up from the event you recently attended, you’ll surely get their attention for future opportunities.

The world as we know it

A changing world has narrowed the boundaries of the world and opened up opportunities that two short decades ago would not have been imagined. A fast paced economy calls for interfacing with others in multifaceted ways, and our relationship web now extends throughout the world. Therefore, the 21st century provides unique opportunities and challenges in building business and personal relationships. NetBeing focuses the state of concentration on meeting challenges with greater and greater ease.

Let’s take a moment and look at how networking has traveled over the years.

The 70s: It was all about how much we knew; an independent focus in creating our own success existed in the business community. We presented ourselves as experts and were less likely to share information for fear of losing our ideas, our competitive advantage, or our share in the market place.

The 80s: How much we knew and who we knew. We developed our ability to negotiate and compete, and still believed we were independently creating our own success.

The 90s: Who we could gain access to. We looked at six degrees of separation, and all the ways we could reach and develop a business network. We also began to see, with the explosion of the quality movement, information sharing, involvement, and a more global market calling for establishing solid networks of relationships. The philosophy of networking exploded within the business community.

The 2000s: NetBeing, a new intelligence of relationship building, adds to our learning from the 1990s on how well we are able to respond to the needs of individuals. When we are continuously paying attention to individuals, we can better help them. This new intelligence includes more than responding to the obvious task or project efficiently and effectively. It is also about how enjoyment is derived in the process. Most importantly, going forward is about deepening relationships and attending to a multitude of ever changing factors.

Relationshift - Relationships never end. They just shift

The spirit of the word relationshift reflects that a relationship never really ends, it simply flows to something else—through a relationshift, the relationship becomes relevant or figural again when time, opportunity and a mutual focus reemerges. The concept of relevance further expands the definition to consider the questions who, why, when, where, and how. We have changing needs and we need to ask a host of questions as we go forward in relationship. Paying attention to relevance in a given situation keeps an “on-target” focus toward developing that which currently aligns to what is most important to self and the other. In short, relevance is constantly changing. That is the very reason attention to the shift taking place in relationship is important.

While the relevance of the relationship is changing in the present, it is also imperative for all of us to understand that relationships, as a whole, always have been and always will be shifting! A collaboration ending now, may come back again twenty years from now. Relevance reemerges, if you will, around a common goal. Developing a meaningful and quality relationship is the lifeblood of taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level--lifting up and helping others along the way. When we look at a relationship with these eyes, we see that we can easily pick up again as we move forward in our personal and professional life.

Rewardingness

Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.

There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.

The relationship provides joyful experiences. This is the reward itself!
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question “…when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision—the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to.”

Capturing his remark and adding, yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keeps us involved.

2009 is almost over. Now what?

(An Observation in action) December-2009

As we move into the year 2010 and beyond, there is allot to think about and understand as it relates to world of networking and business relationship development.

In fact, let me begin with a shocking statement that should take many of you including my colleagues by surprise.

Networking is DEAD.

And in my opinion, networking as we know it today has been dying a slow death since about 1995.

And, if you think that you’re going to continue doing what you have been doing as it relates to business networking, your making a big mistake.

Now don’t get offended by my statement. I really don’t mean any harm.

It’s just true.

In another soon to be released observation, I’ll be discussing what I call the “The Joy of Interaction” and what networking has in common.

But for now, let’s get back to this observation.

Here are the facts.

a. Networking is awkward for most people
b. Networking is hit and miss for most people
c. Networking is always situational
d. Networking in most instances is about individual success
e. Most networkers are not following up with people they meet
f. And last and most relevant is that networking is never about you. It’s always about the other person.

So with that said, I’ve chosen to make some suggestions on what you should consider doing to make the most from the business networking relationships you have developed and are in the process of developing.

And by doing so, you’ll get closer to making the most from your business networking relationships as you move through 2010.


Here are my 15 top suggestions
for greater networking success in 2010

1. Invest more time with people – The biggest investment you will make in building relationships and proving out a productive working relationship is TIME. Simply stated, the more you know and understand others, the more likely that relationship will flourish.

2. Become purpose driven – If building relationships are going to be at the fore-front of you networking activities, then you first have to strengthen your relationship with self. Self reflection, reason for being, purpose driven and vision is an important part of that process. If you don’t take the time to sit back and work on yourself, who will?

3. Create unparallel visibility – The bottom line for more business in 2010 is simply becoming more visible. That means getting targeted with face to face and on-line social networks. While Face book is a cool place to hang out, consider strengthening your profile and connection base on such sites as LinkedIn, and other industry specific portals to make more of a professional impact worldwide. Also, take a closer look at the micro sites that are more geographic to the area where you are marketing your services and creating impact. Some examples are –
www.SmallerIndiana.com (central Indiana) www.biznik.com (Pacific Northwest) etc.

4. Develop relationship strategies – Everyone talks about relationships. Now you can do something about it. A relationship strategy is anything that you can do that adds value to others. Strategies put you in command and control of your relationship mindset. Don’t just talk about it. Do something about it. Develop your strategies today. (if you would like a list of 15 top relationships strategies to begin working with), visit www.ronsukenick.com and under resources, feel free to download for FREE the Relationship Strategies Blueprint.

If you need help in getting them implemented, don’t hesitate to give me a call.

5. Relentlessly follow-up – -Think about some of the recent networking events you attended and ask yourself the following questions:

a/ From the 10-15 people you might of met, how many actually followed up with you by sending a note in the mail, an e-mail, or a phone call and said – “What a pleasure it was meeting you at the recent any-town Chamber of Commerce event”?

b/ In fact, ask yourself the same question – How many did you actually follow up with a note, an e-mail, or even a phone call?

See what I mean? I told you so. Nobody is following up with anybody.

If you need a simple follow-up system that works every-time, send an e-mail to rs@ronsukenick.com and I’ll send you what I call the “Magic of 6”.

What’s great about it is that it works every-time.

6. Be in a hurry – The biggest driving force in most countries continues to be speed. People want what they want, and they want it NOW! Take the moment and dance with it. Don’t wait to get better connected. And don’t wait to provide the support that’s needed now by the many people your meeting.

When you act on the environment, you being proactive and by being proactive, you’re generating excitement, energy, focus, and enthusiasm. Thus leading to greater success.

If most of your efforts are in the reactive mode, it’s simply a slower process and your generating fatigue, crisis management, thus often leading to failure.

7. Find ways to become more useful and resourceful to others – Simply stated, whatever you have done to satisfy anyone yesterday, it won’t be enough to satisfy them tomorrow. Make sense? I want to suggest that you immediately look for no less then 6 ways that you can become more useful and resourceful to others. Let me give you a hint. Keep meeting people. The more people you know that know what to do next, and know how to get things done, the more useful and resource you will be.

8. Increase you frequency of interaction – Increased interaction brings increased cooperation with others. To many times people fail to follow up with people their meeting. If you can get up to 6 interactions with anyone, it’s likely you’ll have a good beginning for a relationship that will never end. See my suggestion # 5 for more comments to support this suggestion.

9. Join a referral club – There is a distinction in the kinds of networks that exist. Go for the strong contact, referral giving groups. The BNI’s, LeTips and the newest and closely watched Gold Star Referral Club are for sure your best bet for the greatest return on your time and money invested. In fact, I’m a director with Gold Star and would be interested in you helping me build referral networks all over the country. Call me at 317-216-8210 TODAY!

10. Connect the Dots as often as you can (making the most from the Small World Phenomena) – When was the last time you heard that infamous expression – It’s such a Small World Isn’t It? – Keep in mind that the power in your networking efforts is always in the connection. And that the connection between you and the people your meeting, is never between you and the people your meeting. It’s between you, them, and something else that you have in common. If you want to learn more about this process, e-mail me for my article – “It’s such a small world isn’t it?”

11. Increase the rewardingness – If you want people to act the way you want them to act, you have to increase the rewards of being and doing business with you. Weather it’s knowing more people, becoming a better listener, or even just putting in a toll free number to reach you, people will always respond to something they like and appreciate. Keep the rewards coming.

12. Take the Joy of Interaction to higher levels – Let’s face it. The reason why you love this thing called networking is clearly because of what I call – The “Joy of Interaction”. Isn’t it fun? I didn’t say it was productive. I just said its fun. So when you’re out interacting with others, consider bringing the following characteristics to the table – fun, excitement, passion, creativity, dependability, responsibility and support. Make it a joyful experience for the people your meeting.

13. Go after the relationship, not just the sale – This is the very reason why most people find networking so in-effective. There going after the sale. When looking to build your business, think relationship first.

14. Don’t manage people (manage the system) – Systems build business and are more predictable and reliable. In a networking environment, it’s very difficult to get people to do what you want them to do, and if you could, it would have to be with their own willingness to get it done. My suggestion is that you stick to a predictable system that works every time.

If interested, go to YouTube and search for the Ron Sukenick Toaster story. It’s a metaphor for how you can build relationship with the use of a system. You will love it.

15. Listen three times as much – When you speak, you learn what you know. When you listen, you learn what others know. The power has always been in the listening. Here’s a good question you should ask yourself – When was the last time anyone said – Thanks for taking the time to listen? If it’s been while, go back to work and become a great listener.

In fact, great listeners, have great connections.

So when all is said and done
Stay focused, challenge your thinking and underlying beliefs, be more strategic, go after the relationship, connect the dots, make the connection, and always take the moment and dance with it.

MICHAEL GERBER FOREWARD

When my friend, Ron Sukenick, asked me to write the Foreword to this book, The Power is in the Connection, I cringed. So many books, so many ideas, so many prescriptions for success; the thought of dealing with yet another one was overwhelming to me.

Fortunately, I relented. And I'm glad I did. This book is a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone has addressed the subject of networking in an original and authentic way.

In a way that gets to the bottom of the word, relationship, and brings that word to the top of the mind, to the top of the heart, to the top of the commitment one needs to make if a truly authentic relationship is going to be served between the person who is looking for something and the person who is being engaged.

Because isn't that how all relationships start out? Someone wants something? A fellow wants a wife; a woman wants a husband? A girl wants a boy; a boy a girl? A business wants a customer; a customer wants to find exactly the right business to serve his or her needs?

And isn’t it true that most of us are pretty dismal when it comes to the process of communicating to someone else what we want? In fact, isn’t it also true that just knowing what we want, and feeling justified in wanting it, is a skill few of us have developed? And not knowing what we want, how often do we pursue a relationship with one thought in mind, only to find when it’s too late that even if we got what we thought we wanted, it was far from the truth of what we wanted? And what do we do then?

That's what this book is all about. It defines the essence of relationship, and the 15 strategies one can use (along with the 15 skills one needs to develop) in order to develop healthy, authentic, deeply productive relationships. Whether for the purpose of growing your business, or for the purpose of developing your career, or for the purpose of creating more profitable work, working with more exciting people, doing things you love to do, rather than things you don't, relationship is the vehicle.

Tall order for a personal improvement book. But this book does exactly that. And in a way that is thoroughly enjoyable to read, and thoroughly inspiring to use as a bridge between where you are presently, and where you want to be.

I'm sure you'll find this book to be as inspiring as I did. I'm sure you'll find more than you're looking for in it.

Thanks Ron and Jane, for asking me. And, thanks for your patience in waiting for my response. But, after all, isn’t that what a good relationship is about?

Michael Gerber, Author
xThe E-Myth Books